incrediably confused

[Dennis J. Klinzing Sr.]

As of late I have been very confused. I have been arguing with God. I know he has been hearing me, however he does not believe my argument. I say with utter confidence and conviction that he has enabled me to hear his whisper for the call of serving. I am learning the consequences of his calling. It is not just a call to serve, but a call to a new and radically changed life.
When I first started noticing the call, I was and still am amazed with it. I will be candidaly honesy, I have been fighting all the way. I attempt to satisfy the call by just taking the baby steps and then saying see I did what you asked is that good enough? Trust me it has thus far been an immediate response from God. The consistant answer has been no. With that the fighting ensues.
When I hit a new level of understanding, I attempt to share it with other people and I would get negative feed back, I would immediately, and I mean immediately say see God, I am not the right one. I then experience the essence of a scolding. The need to read, meditate, or ponder what is going on. I end up picking the bible and going to the subject index, to read about what I am going through. What I am attempting to find is an " a ha God, see" As a matter of fact I do not get that, God gets that. I find that what God is doing in being supported by His scripture.
For example I shared with my grandmother that I have and am recieving the call to serve God in the church. I was not prepared for the rebuke. I quote " You are not a godly person and you are not worthy of such a calling." Yet at first it hurt like hell. However I stopped and looked at my past and could see why she would say that. Again I was like a ha God, see God, I did this and did that. So therefore she must be right. My garden was being watered a little bit. I turned to the scriptures foolishly attempting to validate my reasoning. Instead God's words got validated. God said He made me worthy, noy myself, not my faith, and not my remorse, not my experience. Much to his pleasure he made is call stronger in me.
God stated "beware of building your faith on experience. God gleefully shows me that his experiments always succeed. Boy do I get a first hand sample of that. This is where the real struggle begins.
In my stage of his calling, I need to obtain my bachealor degree. I applied to college and got accepted and I dropped the ball at God's feet and started coming up with excuses. I had a very simple and plain dream. It was black, not color, no lights, just His voice.