help

[Dennis J. Klinzing Sr.]

I have been taught that you do not build faith on experience. I have been taught that God is going to clean your soul so that it is pure and righteous for His purpose. I have learned not to stress over the small things. I have learned that God will never let me down. That I do not know God's plans, nor do I have His wisdom. Recently I have been going through some sort of cleaning, a spiritual cleaning. I can honestly say that it is rather painful. I am being given circumstances that is testing everything in me. It has me at a breaking point and I am freaking. Perhaps stressing is a better way to put it.
I have been told that I am going to be judged by man and do subject myself to it promptly. In the circumstances of the last several days, that is just what has bee happening. I have been judged by every person that I have encountered, and talk about tiresome. It is so exhausting, not just phsyically but emotionally also. I am trying everything in my ability to keep my faith and reassure myself that I am in good hands. That God is holding me right now. I do realize that this is a journey that I am not on by myself. However that is exactly what it feels like. I feel like I am being drained beyond imagination. This is not just a physical exhaustion, but a mental exhaustion.
I ask God for the reassurance more frequently then one is able to inhale and exhale. I am trying so many different things that I have never attempted before, which is only causing more unease in me. Trusting is incrediably hard to do for me. When I have trusted in the past and have regretted it. Now I find myself trusting, attempting to trust God more then I have ever before. It can be clearly understood, that God is in control, I am just scared.
I wonder if I am confusing scared with being exhausted by the transfiguration that I am going through. God has stated that He will correct what is wrong inside of us. God has staed that He will make His desires known through us. I just did not realize how powerful that transfiguration would be, or how scarry it would be. I know that when it is done, I will be able to breathe easier. I really do not have question of where I am going or what I am going to do. I just have questions about everything else. I really want to know what is in store for me. I really want to know, am I still going to be able to survive with out having to depend on other people for continuous assistance. This is all steeming from the mere fact that I am having to submit myself to judgement by man. God said, I have to be judged by man first. Why I do not know. Really not sure if I want to know why. All I can say is that this process is draining me, and now more so then ever, really need to be reassured and helped. Does that make me a charity case? Does this make me a weak person? I wish someone could step in and help me out. Help me God, I am listening.